Reflections

Well, it's been a long time since I've mused, ranted or anything besides scrapbook.  I'm sure it must be very disappointing for some, thinking my life revolved around them and that their actions and events effected me.  Hmmm sorry.

People move in and out of our lives..it's a fact.  Sometime it's due to distance, a move, simple daily living.  Your children go one direction, mine the other.  Sometimes folks don't see eye to eye anymore, or no long enrich and uplift each others lives.  Others, you have to step back and watch someone you love hit "self destruct" over and over until they need you there to stand by them while they put their lives back together, but until that moment you're apart for days, weeks or even years.   Sometime, you step away and sequester yourself from everyone, put on a protective coat to shield yourself from the nasty, hurtful, belittling remarks one human can make.  Hope that while you're gone, your friends see you for who you really are.  Who are willing to ignore the ugliness and want to be YOUR friend.

For two years, I've stayed on my side of the fence.  I declined invites, public socialization to prevent any major boat rocking.  It's not fun getting caught in the tidal wave when women fall apart.  And it's now that I look back and look at those caught in the mess and realize... I owe you an apology.  Sorry that you got sucked into this mess.  Sorry that you may have felt a need to choose sides or to turn away because you didn't want to chose.  I've never asked, demanded or wanted to make anyone feel that they had to.  I also owe you my gratitude.  Thank you for STILL inviting me out even when you knew it could "rock the boat". Thank you for your phone calls, your emails, txts and social network comments.  Your friendships mean the world to me.

Two years have passed and I've taken a good long hard look at myself.  And I like what I see.  Worked on some self improvement projects, in a matter of speaking and it's time to start stepping out again.  It's time to say yes to invites and putting myself out there.  I've learned to volunteer for what I LOVE and not for neediness.  I've learned to set boundaries, learned to say "No", gently but firmly.  I've learned I can give of myself with out demeaning or sacrificing myself.  And I've learned that friendship is based on COMPLETE HONESTY and if you're unable to handle that from me.... it's OKAY.   And that honesty does come with a price..sometimes it hurts.  So I've also learned tact, consideration and gentleness. 

Friendship is also not based on what you do for me or what I do for you.  I've always "done" for my friends because I wanted to.  It made ME feel good.  It's wasn't a laundry list of accomplishments to throw in a friends face..."I've done ALL these things for you!"  I never like seeing a friend down or suffer and if I was able to help..awesome.  I'm sorry I didn't praise you for all the wonderful things you did for me.  I didn't think we were keeping daily charts w/ stars and smiley stickers.  I DID appreciate it, but I didn't realize I was suppose to praise you daily and praise you to others daily. 

I'm ready to live again.  I'm ready to be with friends again.  I'm open to exploring old friendships and I'm always eager to meet new friends.  Some friends, I'm content with passing out of my life.  I have no need for you.  But don't worry, I also feel no need to discuss, name call, point fingers...I feel no need to acknowledge that time in my life anymore.  Those bridges are burned and now even the ashes have blown away into nothing...

I'm smiling now and it's a beautiful day.  Time to enjoy it, enjoy being creative, enjoy being a mother, a wife and a friend... I hope you have a wonderful day too.  You are wonderful, you deserve the best in life and no one can tell you otherwise!  :D