Well it's Saturday here. Doing what most people do on Saturdays, dishes, laundry, listen to siblings squabble. Right now some of my good friends are cropping. I sorta wish I was with them, but creatively speaking, I know I'm not in the "mood". I think I'm just craving a little "grown up" time. David & I talk nightly, but like always, the kids always sense when I'm on the phone. Then they act up, then I lose patience, then the phone call is over! But even all of this is not sitting in the front of my brain.. my thoughts keep going to a good friend of mine.
I saw her yesterday and life isn't easy right now for her...and all I'm able to do is stand and watch. Very distressing. So, I went to my hope chest and pulled out something, something I haven't looked at in 16 years. It's a journal and it's addressed to Aaron and God. For one year I wrote in it. I wrote EVERYTHING down, just like I'd write a letter. Dear Aaron.... Dear God.... and I shared my feelings, my accomplishments, my fears, my joys, my anger, my frustrations..I shared them in a "letter", that would never be read. Or so I thought, many years later I copied that journal and shared it with my mother. Someday, I may need to share it with my daughters...
Another thing I began to do was to have "conversations" with Aaron. Opening myself to lifes nuances, reconizing "signals". To this day, I still share with Aaron, more in my head than verbalizing out loud. (don't want people to think I'm crazy or anything!) But I'm a firm believer that when you die, you don't DIE. We move on to another plane of existance. Many call it Heaven, I'm not sure I fall for the puffy cloud, golden gate image but there IS a higher level of being. And that those we love, loved or never had the chance to get to love all exist there, watching us, listening, and interacting with us. We just need to be aware of all the possiblities of interaction....We may miss our loved ones when they move on, but They are NOT missing us, they're still here with us....watching, sharing and loving...
2 comments:
I don't think your alone there. I find myself asking my grandmother questions too. Especially when I'm trying to match her recipes or when I see her favorite bird sitting so close to me outside. So feel normal and converse with your feelings. And we'll let you know when you go crazy. :-)
I just feel that if i could talk to her one more time, I could get all my questions answered and hear her tell me that she loves me, just one more time. But I know that that one more time would turn into 100 one more times. I just miss her like crazy and have this huge hole in my heart that I feel will never fill back up.
Thank you for the advice about a journal. That is a great idea and later on my kids will see how special my Mom was/is to me.
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